madafakarovsky

Welcome to my personal blog, don't expect a good read, they're only the thoughts of a mad man.

My shit’s fucked up.

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I keep telling everyone around me that everything’s going to be fine, that all problems will soon come to an en and that after every rain, there comes the rainbow, you just got to be patient but at night, I’m the one who breaks down crying.

Compared to my problems, theirs seem like child’s play, my life is a never-ending messy shit on loop. Sometimes, I force myself to believe the words I’m telling others but no matter how much I try, I can’t see the sunlight and the skies instead of scatter, hey just get more dense. My rainbow could be somewhere far far away, patiently waiting to shine before my eyesight but what if it appears to late? What good will it make if I only get my line straight when I’m old and my life passes, leaving me with only regrets.

There’s too many problems I’ve avoided, well, I think procrastinate is the word more suitable for this, I’ve procrastinated my problems for too long and now they bang on the door, sooner or later, ready to knock off the hinge.

Every night I fight my demons, lately they don’t even let me sleep, these assholes like to bring back memories of my past and keep me awake.Demons I thought I’ve drown long time ago, they come back to me disguised as memories.

Funny how you forget things you don’t want to but remember what you don’t.

My soul is shattered

My confidence is fading

And my bottle of hope is emptying refilling others.

I’m a mess.

 

Happily ever after.

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There was a time when I believed in those words, blinded by dreams and illusions of a happy life. Now, I just believe it’s a big fat lie couples tell each other to make them feel more secure about the future of their relation.

How could you tell someone “we’ll live happily ever after”?, look them in the eye, don’t shift your gaze, just look straight and tell them you will love them forever without having any knowledge of the problems that may come your way, or the persons you’ll meet, promise them you won’t have second thoughts on your relationship and that if they get 50 pounds fatter, you’ll still love them. I, myself have said that lie twice in my life and I don’t intend to do it ever again, I want to focus on the present of my relationship and not get drunk with dreams.

Don’t lie, be as honest as you can be, just say ” I love you now, at this moment you’re my most valuable belonging” and I promise you, it would mean so much more if things won’t last.

There’s no cure for a broken heart, only time heals it, but still leaves a scar you’ll always wear.

 

Brother of mine

Felt like sharing this

*another old writing*

brother mine

You recieve what you give

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You expect to have a well paid job, maybe an office job and be respected by everyone at the work place but all your life you were a failure, you didn’t pay attention to classes, you skipped some of them as well, you didn’t read a book in your entire life, you were a piece of shit but you feel left out because “you deserve better” . Well, keep telling that to yourself, lie yourself that the problem is with society, that it is corrupt and I don’t know, any other bullshit you keep telling yourself. If you’d get your dream job you wouldn’t know what to do, because those that claim that job make it seem easy, behind the curtain there’s plenty of sweat.

As I usually do in here, I talk from my own experience and believe, as someone who’ve always dreamt of luxury and expensive stuff, working as a sla-, I mean as a waiter fora  couple of bucks a day pisses me off. I’ve got so much to learn to get back on the right track and I feel like I ran out of time. I want to do something I enjoy, to be proud of my job, when someone asks me “what do you do for a living bro?” I wanna look him in the eyes and say ” What I’ve always wanted to do”.

But argh, what do I know, I’m tired as fuck right now, been thinking about this post whole day at work but now I can’t seem to come up with more, point I’m trying to make is that early sweat saves your future so don’t say procrastinate anymore , don’t “leave for tomorrow what you can do today” because despite what you may think, you’re running out of time.

Drunk note

buka

I usually write when I’m drunk but I don’t share it, I let it rot in my laptop for ages but now I feel like I should write something.

Funny fact, I have no idea what to write but judging by the fact that no one reads this, fuck it, I’ll just drop it.

So tonight I went out, broke as I am I went with a friend and his lover and despite the odds, we actually had fun, I got drunk and I’ve started to live the music, as any other drunk fuck in there. It’s good, what I have to say is that London people really know how to party, they’re awesome, they’re taking over the dance ring with so much confidence, they’re rocking every song, EVERY.  I love this place, even if at first I came here to live my dream, that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun in the meanwhile.

It’s such a big change you know, from Romania where everyone was though and was looking for a brawl, here people, even if they’re 2m tall, they’re still friendly as fuck, they apologise, they greet you with a smile, this feels like a whole new world and I love it.

What else can I say about London people, they’re too awesome, there’s no words to describe that. The women in here are beautiful, the guys are…well, I’m not looking for guys so I’ll only say they’re friendly and that’s it. The city it self is full of life, there’s people on the street all the time, the centre of London is full of life, people having so much fun on the streets, it’s insane..it’s just …perfect, I feel like I belong here

Thank You London, for making my stay so enjoyable.

First London writting

firsHeh, this is the first thing i wrote when I came to London, I remember the thoughts I had back then, that night ended up with me crying myself to sleep. The grammar mistakes are obvious, I was so nervous, I panicked that night I didn’t know what to do but I’m so glad I wrote this because now, months later I can look back to it and see great improvements.

My hope is back to it’s place and I’m more confident now, I’ve experienced some fucked up shit but, I know I have a future now and that my goal is worth pursuing as hard as it is. Digging up old stuff really puts me to peace and gives me hope for tomorrow.

I am now employed and I have plenty of drafts written in my computer that wait to be finished and published one day, so many ideas that patiently wait to be explored.

I know I can make it, just wait for me world.

Her body

*Note, this is an old writing*

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I’ve been a stranger to her body for too long but when I touched it, it felt like I knew it since forever. Her grip was soft at first but at days passed she held my waist stronger every time we kissed, probably because I was on the leave and she got used to my presence.

Her lips felt so soft, even though they were so tiny and the upper one was missing, I loved them, the only thing I disliked is that every time I went for a lip bite I barely caught them, guess I didn’t have enough experience. The way she kissed , felt like I could kiss her forever, fuck air, who needs it, I would just suffocate with her kisses, I loved her taste, damn, she tasted good unlike me, I was a combination of alcohol and cigarettes.
I felt embarrassed when she asked me what colour her eyes were and it felt like i was mistaking it. I was so lost into them, that deep brown colour hooked me up right away, I’m usually embarrassed to look someone in the eyes, I don’t have that kind of confidence but looking her in the eyes felt comfortable, they were so friendly and beautiful, they only made me kiss her more and more.

Her delicate body was a mystery to me but even so I fell in love with it, I didn’t explore it, I just gazed at it. Heh, damn how special she was, I didn’t even touch her ass as I used to do with every other girl after the first kiss, guess I didn’t want to be a douche, for the first time in my life cause she was so delicate, she didn’t deserve another one her life, she needed to be treated as a royalty not as a trump.

One of the parts of her body I did explore quite a lot, was her neck, I loved her, she told me it was her sensible point, I loved playing with it, don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about ripping in or something, it just felt so soft, I’ve held myself back from hickeys, not even sure why but I did and there were times I wanted to bite it but I’m not a vampire so I thought that’d be strange to do and would scare her off.
Her whole body was perfect an she knew how to dress, she knew how to make good use of her body.

She seemed so fragile yet so strong.

Love me

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Love me for who I am,

Love me for my dreams, for my high aspirations

Don’t laugh at my goals, don’t tell me I’m great when I’m not

Be honest with me, truth may hurt sometimes

But it’s better than being lied with a straight face.

Don’t ask how my day was, ask me what did I achieve today.

Don’t wait for my text, text me first if needed.

Be yourself, let your demons out, let them darken the room

And we’ll brighten it with our laugh.

Watch cartoons with me and I’ll watch soap operas with you.

Be a lady on the street and a bitch in the sheet.

Be whatever the fuck you want around me,

Be my Aphrodite and I’ll be your Ares.

Work for the people you hate

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For the past couple of months I’ve been working as a waiter and I can tell you, it’s the shittiest job ever, I can’t categorise it otherwise. I’m a person who dreams big, I want fame, I want money,  I want it all, and as a waiter who works mostly at events, serving rich fucks who have what I don’t and who can enjoy their time drinking themselves to death either at a fashion showcase or an award ceremony, fuck, it makes me lose my mind.

For too long have I been faking my smile while I refill their glass of expensive champagne, for too long have I brought them whatever the fuck they wanted. I need to stand among them therefore I must succeed in life, early.

So that’s gotta be my advice, watch your future self enjoy life while you work for him and wait, patiently until you get there too but don’t forget where you started from.

Sailor through time

bukoas

I have come to a point in life when I think of all the actions that got me here and I doubt my faith, am I good enough to pursue my career?Am I good enough to make my dream come true? How many others attempt to and fail miserably climbing this ladder? Lately I question every second I waste on stupid things like video games or facebook, all this time wasted on online that serves no purpose to my goal.

It felt like my graduation was yesterday, damn I still have dreams when I wake up and think ” Fuck, I’m late for school again, I may not pass”. And this was 2 years ago, when I graduated and since then, I did nothing productive, nothing to be proud of, nothing to brag about, nothing at all.

I still remember my mother’s face even though it’s been a year since I last time saw her, (she’s in Denmark now, healthy so don’t worry) but I still have her perfect image in my head.

So much time passed, so many persons in my life changed while.. I’m still the same, same fucked up person I was 10 years ago, same fucked up person I was 2 years ago, I’m the same loser.