madafakarovsky

Welcome to my personal blog, don't expect a good read, they're only the thoughts of a mad man.

Category: Uncategorized

Alone with everybody

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“Alone with everybody” a quote that’s been stuck in my head for years now, ever since I discovered Bukowski. I never understood it until now; it all makes sense now. As someone who suffers from depression the quote appealed to me but little did I know it had a deeper meaning. 

I’ll continue with another quote by him “you get so alone at times that it just makes sense ” which is actually the title of one of his poem books.

I am in fact alone, lonelier than I have ever been and I never thought it could ever get to this point.No family, no friends, no emotions, everything is blank. I even stopped dreaming for some reason, I’m living in a loop, everything is on repeat. The people I meet are soulless, nothing interesting about them, I miss my people, those with dreams and hopes. I haven’t met a single interesting individual since I moved to London. I met plenty of people and for some reason many like or liked me, I’m an easy going person and I blend in pretty easy, I like to give people what they want, I fake my way with them, I get into their game, I ask stupid silly questions, sometimes I even compliment them for stupid stuff or even seem intrigued by their “amazing” stories which are either lies or boring.

I am surrounded by nothingness so I became nothing.

 

Kill your Darlings

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“kill your darlings” is the first and most important step in order for one to bloom. We too often are dragged down by our regrets and by our past, we refuse to move forward as the past haunts our judgement. We keep procrastinating, we say “tomorrow’s gonna be the day ” but tomorrow never comes.

 

 

Unfortunately my logic has no proof, I haven’t seen anyone brave enough to overcome his past, I’ve only seen those that want to; what a shame, for one to be so close to happiness but to be scared by it.

 

Society is the biggest virus, it indoctrinates our brain, it controls us; it lies us that we can’t do something because of the position we have. 

 

“we can’t have that because of that” 

 

I’ll cut this short.

 

Dear reader, even if you heard this countless times, don’t let others dictate your future, don’t let others put a label on you and if they do, just rip it off or wear it with it pride, don’t care too much about it, life is too short to take everything to heart. I remember reading a quote “By being yourself, you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before” unfortunately I can’t remember who quoted that but I think it rests just fine on the bottom of this page.

 

 

Late night thoughts

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Do you ever sit pondering and you’re sad, but you don’t think of anything? your mind is floating into outer space yet you catch yourself at some point asking yourself “what am I sad about?” and then the thoughts rush in, your brain comes up with reasons, they spawn out of your insecurities; you soon remember the time you were a little kid, you didn’t know what love was, you didn’t care if you had money, your only worry was how fast you could eat to catch up with your friends after school.

Don’t you miss it, the age when you were just.. living and not surviving? Because I do, lately I’ve felt like I live to work instead of working to live. The world became this chaotic hazardous hate-driven pile of shit, as a 20 years old creature, I have witnessed more than I should already, I have seen the downgrade of the world, I have seen the evolution of the global financial system, I’ve seen how it slowly corrupted pure souls, how it spawned wars, how powerful people were driven into the ground by it, how it hypnotized the younger generation into believing money can buy everything and it’s sad because we only have few values left and it scares the shit out of me they will probably become purchasable in the next couple of years.

Women

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Do you remember her?

Don’t bullshit me,

You never forget a woman.

I remember mine

Each of them.

There’s something about each of them.

Each smell, each smile, each gaze in the eyes.

They are truly marvelous creatures, aren’t they?

Don’t tell me you only fucked them and that’s it.

We men love, unlike them.

We know where we’re sticking our dicks

And we love where we’re sticking our dicks.

-Madafakarovsky

Best year I had, thank you guys

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I’m going through …-something- , right now, I don’t know what it is, maybe is that mid life crisis I’ve heard so much of, or maybe is something else. I’ve spent my afternoon in my bed with no desire to wake up, I laughed and cried, remembering the year before I came to London, before I was on my own. I remembered, everything, my friends, my lovers, everything came clean. Back then I wasn’t happy with myself, I was recklessly spending my mother’s money on booze and smokes. I was drunk almost every day, I was in a pub, I can call it my pub becasue fuck it, 70% of the people from there knew me, it was perfect, no school, no responsability, nothing.

I would barely see the light, I would just go in the pub which was at a basement level, like, no windows there, no “natural light” and i would only get out of there to buy cigarettes. Nights spent lurking behind the blocks, nights spent at friends, fights with my father because he thought I was a worthless piece of crap; I still live in the past, I know but I can’t get rid of it, maybe for you my friends, it doesn’t mean too much, maybe your life is still like that but mine isn’t and without a doubt, that year, was the best of my life, some of you took advantage of me, like i give a flying fuck, we still had fun.

Preda, remember that time we thought of “killing outselves” ? taking pills and drinking until we can’t take it anymore, and then smoking shit? singing(you had your guitar with you), damn how awesome that time was. Dude, you were there like every god damn time, all the drinks I had were with you(most of them for sure)

Mieko, remember that time we took the bus, drunk to somewhere I can’t remember thinking it was fun but then realising we have to wave a car to return? haha ,was a fun short  road trip, or the endless nights spend gambling?, miss those, man.

Crina, remember all those times we were together but we barely spoke anything important? like somehow we were too shy to share what was really on our soul?

Robita, what can I say, you saw me drunk almost every time in that and not only, you saw me drunk more than anyone else, all the fucked up times we had at Dromi or when we took the taxi back home with the little bottle of jaggermeister because we just didn’t have enough, when we discovered jaggermeister, that was like the best thing in our life that’s our drink, now and forever.

Dromi/Alex, well, you knew me since I was a kid but last year, we had some times, the one that comes to me and I see it clear as day is when we were on skype, drunk and you were hitting the keyboard and spitting beer all over the place, gosh how much we laughed that time.

Ion, fun to mention, you were my best friend but you weren’t drinking or smoking shit with us, you didn’t go out with us but still, we went out for the chill coffee in Green and you’ve also lent me a place to stay when I didn’t want to go home.

Irina, I have no idea how you fell for me, I was drunk, like all the time, no idea what you’ve seen at me. Time spent with you was different, that week, I was open, I could talk to you, I needed that, you saved me back then, thank you.

Only when I think of it, of that year, more specific, that summer, was beautiful, my last summer of being reckless, thanks guys for making it unforgettable.

 

 

Girl of my dream

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It all started with this dream I had, I can’t remember much of it but it changed me. At that time I was going through depression, often break-downs which ended up in crying because I’ve felt I didn’t know what I’d do with my life. What I remember of the dream is vague but there’s one picture I cant forget, a snap of this dream that makes me smile uncontrollably .

It’s a picture of me and a brunette girl, after a run or something of that sort, holding arms, her palms, going up my arms onto my shoulders gripping as high as they could, my palms doing the same action as it was a mirror , both our heads leaned forward bend to our left gazing into each others eyes, my gaze slowly shifting to her fleshy lips; I can barely remember her face but I was amazed, everything seemed perfect, I woke up before the kiss happened, I’m not even sure there was any intend for that to happen but that picture will never leave my mind, it was something I’ve been craving for a long time and unlike any other dream I had, this one felt so real. I’ve spent my next day thinking of it, I had no regret or intend or dreaming it again, no pain of it ending too soon. It happened at the right time and I’m thankful for it, I haven’t been this chilled in a long time.

I remember reading once that all the faces we see in our dreams are people we meet in our path, friends or just people we pass on the street everyday. There’s plenty of faces I’ve seen in my life, but if I ever get to see her again, I’ll know.

Thoughts surface

I started writing this with the intend to let it out, I’m in a phase of my life when everything is going downhill and I can’t help myself but question if I did the right choice coming here, leaving everything behind; was I brave? or just stupid. I’ve wasted 7 months on nothing, only building up deabts and these are 7 months I can’t take back, away from everyone I love, I came with a purpose, to look for “my great perhaps” but all I do is waste pretious time on things that have no soul. I’m fucked up, young and fucked up with no clue of what future holds. How many times can I tell myself it’sgonna be alright, just keep going, I managed to get over a 2 months depression and now that things seemed to get better, I feel like a hand is pulling me back to that shithole.
I wanna keep on going but having so much anger and so much mixted thoughts, it just seems impossible right now to lay them down, I can’t think straight, I’m poisoned with guilt and regret, it’s a new feeling I wasn’t expecting to surface this soon. Loneliness drives me insane, stupid people makes me mad and lack of activities make me useless, this is the life I’m living now, a pointless one;
but I hope
I still do,
That redemption will come
Sooner
Or
later
I gotta find
my saviour
my “it’s all gonna be fine”
I know it’s there
somewhere
waiting for me to reach it
And until then
I can only drag my pieces
till’ she will glue them together
And only then
I’ll be fine
Cause love
yes, love
It is the only antitode
for a broken soul.

 

You recieve what you give

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You expect to have a well paid job, maybe an office job and be respected by everyone at the work place but all your life you were a failure, you didn’t pay attention to classes, you skipped some of them as well, you didn’t read a book in your entire life, you were a piece of shit but you feel left out because “you deserve better” . Well, keep telling that to yourself, lie yourself that the problem is with society, that it is corrupt and I don’t know, any other bullshit you keep telling yourself. If you’d get your dream job you wouldn’t know what to do, because those that claim that job make it seem easy, behind the curtain there’s plenty of sweat.

As I usually do in here, I talk from my own experience and believe, as someone who’ve always dreamt of luxury and expensive stuff, working as a sla-, I mean as a waiter fora  couple of bucks a day pisses me off. I’ve got so much to learn to get back on the right track and I feel like I ran out of time. I want to do something I enjoy, to be proud of my job, when someone asks me “what do you do for a living bro?” I wanna look him in the eyes and say ” What I’ve always wanted to do”.

But argh, what do I know, I’m tired as fuck right now, been thinking about this post whole day at work but now I can’t seem to come up with more, point I’m trying to make is that early sweat saves your future so don’t say procrastinate anymore , don’t “leave for tomorrow what you can do today” because despite what you may think, you’re running out of time.

Drunk note

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I usually write when I’m drunk but I don’t share it, I let it rot in my laptop for ages but now I feel like I should write something.

Funny fact, I have no idea what to write but judging by the fact that no one reads this, fuck it, I’ll just drop it.

So tonight I went out, broke as I am I went with a friend and his lover and despite the odds, we actually had fun, I got drunk and I’ve started to live the music, as any other drunk fuck in there. It’s good, what I have to say is that London people really know how to party, they’re awesome, they’re taking over the dance ring with so much confidence, they’re rocking every song, EVERY.  I love this place, even if at first I came here to live my dream, that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun in the meanwhile.

It’s such a big change you know, from Romania where everyone was though and was looking for a brawl, here people, even if they’re 2m tall, they’re still friendly as fuck, they apologise, they greet you with a smile, this feels like a whole new world and I love it.

What else can I say about London people, they’re too awesome, there’s no words to describe that. The women in here are beautiful, the guys are…well, I’m not looking for guys so I’ll only say they’re friendly and that’s it. The city it self is full of life, there’s people on the street all the time, the centre of London is full of life, people having so much fun on the streets, it’s insane..it’s just …perfect, I feel like I belong here

Thank You London, for making my stay so enjoyable.

First London writting

firsHeh, this is the first thing i wrote when I came to London, I remember the thoughts I had back then, that night ended up with me crying myself to sleep. The grammar mistakes are obvious, I was so nervous, I panicked that night I didn’t know what to do but I’m so glad I wrote this because now, months later I can look back to it and see great improvements.

My hope is back to it’s place and I’m more confident now, I’ve experienced some fucked up shit but, I know I have a future now and that my goal is worth pursuing as hard as it is. Digging up old stuff really puts me to peace and gives me hope for tomorrow.

I am now employed and I have plenty of drafts written in my computer that wait to be finished and published one day, so many ideas that patiently wait to be explored.

I know I can make it, just wait for me world.