madafakarovsky

Welcome to my personal blog, don't expect a good read, they're only the thoughts of a mad man.

Category: off my chest

Alone with everybody

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“Alone with everybody” a quote that’s been stuck in my head for years now, ever since I discovered Bukowski. I never understood it until now; it all makes sense now. As someone who suffers from depression the quote appealed to me but little did I know it had a deeper meaning. 

I’ll continue with another quote by him “you get so alone at times that it just makes sense ” which is actually the title of one of his poem books.

I am in fact alone, lonelier than I have ever been and I never thought it could ever get to this point.No family, no friends, no emotions, everything is blank. I even stopped dreaming for some reason, I’m living in a loop, everything is on repeat. The people I meet are soulless, nothing interesting about them, I miss my people, those with dreams and hopes. I haven’t met a single interesting individual since I moved to London. I met plenty of people and for some reason many like or liked me, I’m an easy going person and I blend in pretty easy, I like to give people what they want, I fake my way with them, I get into their game, I ask stupid silly questions, sometimes I even compliment them for stupid stuff or even seem intrigued by their “amazing” stories which are either lies or boring.

I am surrounded by nothingness so I became nothing.

 

Kill your Darlings

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“kill your darlings” is the first and most important step in order for one to bloom. We too often are dragged down by our regrets and by our past, we refuse to move forward as the past haunts our judgement. We keep procrastinating, we say “tomorrow’s gonna be the day ” but tomorrow never comes.

 

 

Unfortunately my logic has no proof, I haven’t seen anyone brave enough to overcome his past, I’ve only seen those that want to; what a shame, for one to be so close to happiness but to be scared by it.

 

Society is the biggest virus, it indoctrinates our brain, it controls us; it lies us that we can’t do something because of the position we have. 

 

“we can’t have that because of that” 

 

I’ll cut this short.

 

Dear reader, even if you heard this countless times, don’t let others dictate your future, don’t let others put a label on you and if they do, just rip it off or wear it with it pride, don’t care too much about it, life is too short to take everything to heart. I remember reading a quote “By being yourself, you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before” unfortunately I can’t remember who quoted that but I think it rests just fine on the bottom of this page.

 

 

Late night thoughts

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Do you ever sit pondering and you’re sad, but you don’t think of anything? your mind is floating into outer space yet you catch yourself at some point asking yourself “what am I sad about?” and then the thoughts rush in, your brain comes up with reasons, they spawn out of your insecurities; you soon remember the time you were a little kid, you didn’t know what love was, you didn’t care if you had money, your only worry was how fast you could eat to catch up with your friends after school.

Don’t you miss it, the age when you were just.. living and not surviving? Because I do, lately I’ve felt like I live to work instead of working to live. The world became this chaotic hazardous hate-driven pile of shit, as a 20 years old creature, I have witnessed more than I should already, I have seen the downgrade of the world, I have seen the evolution of the global financial system, I’ve seen how it slowly corrupted pure souls, how it spawned wars, how powerful people were driven into the ground by it, how it hypnotized the younger generation into believing money can buy everything and it’s sad because we only have few values left and it scares the shit out of me they will probably become purchasable in the next couple of years.

Done feeling pity for myself

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This is more of a note to myself, off my chest, I always feel better when I lay down my thoughts.

I’m done feeling pity for myself, I just grew tired of it. My life is going downwards but I do nothing to change it; I am overwhelmed by my shit, thinking there’s no way out, not even thinking it through but not anymore. It’s true, patience is not one of my virtues but rushing things won’t get me anywhere, leaving things to solve by themselves won’t help either. Guess I just have to pull myself together, I’m stronger than this.

Thoughts surface

I started writing this with the intend to let it out, I’m in a phase of my life when everything is going downhill and I can’t help myself but question if I did the right choice coming here, leaving everything behind; was I brave? or just stupid. I’ve wasted 7 months on nothing, only building up deabts and these are 7 months I can’t take back, away from everyone I love, I came with a purpose, to look for “my great perhaps” but all I do is waste pretious time on things that have no soul. I’m fucked up, young and fucked up with no clue of what future holds. How many times can I tell myself it’sgonna be alright, just keep going, I managed to get over a 2 months depression and now that things seemed to get better, I feel like a hand is pulling me back to that shithole.
I wanna keep on going but having so much anger and so much mixted thoughts, it just seems impossible right now to lay them down, I can’t think straight, I’m poisoned with guilt and regret, it’s a new feeling I wasn’t expecting to surface this soon. Loneliness drives me insane, stupid people makes me mad and lack of activities make me useless, this is the life I’m living now, a pointless one;
but I hope
I still do,
That redemption will come
Sooner
Or
later
I gotta find
my saviour
my “it’s all gonna be fine”
I know it’s there
somewhere
waiting for me to reach it
And until then
I can only drag my pieces
till’ she will glue them together
And only then
I’ll be fine
Cause love
yes, love
It is the only antitode
for a broken soul.

 

My shit’s fucked up.

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I keep telling everyone around me that everything’s going to be fine, that all problems will soon come to an en and that after every rain, there comes the rainbow, you just got to be patient but at night, I’m the one who breaks down crying.

Compared to my problems, theirs seem like child’s play, my life is a never-ending messy shit on loop. Sometimes, I force myself to believe the words I’m telling others but no matter how much I try, I can’t see the sunlight and the skies instead of scatter, hey just get more dense. My rainbow could be somewhere far far away, patiently waiting to shine before my eyesight but what if it appears to late? What good will it make if I only get my line straight when I’m old and my life passes, leaving me with only regrets.

There’s too many problems I’ve avoided, well, I think procrastinate is the word more suitable for this, I’ve procrastinated my problems for too long and now they bang on the door, sooner or later, ready to knock off the hinge.

Every night I fight my demons, lately they don’t even let me sleep, these assholes like to bring back memories of my past and keep me awake.Demons I thought I’ve drown long time ago, they come back to me disguised as memories.

Funny how you forget things you don’t want to but remember what you don’t.

My soul is shattered

My confidence is fading

And my bottle of hope is emptying refilling others.

I’m a mess.

 

Happily ever after.

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There was a time when I believed in those words, blinded by dreams and illusions of a happy life. Now, I just believe it’s a big fat lie couples tell each other to make them feel more secure about the future of their relation.

How could you tell someone “we’ll live happily ever after”?, look them in the eye, don’t shift your gaze, just look straight and tell them you will love them forever without having any knowledge of the problems that may come your way, or the persons you’ll meet, promise them you won’t have second thoughts on your relationship and that if they get 50 pounds fatter, you’ll still love them. I, myself have said that lie twice in my life and I don’t intend to do it ever again, I want to focus on the present of my relationship and not get drunk with dreams.

Don’t lie, be as honest as you can be, just say ” I love you now, at this moment you’re my most valuable belonging” and I promise you, it would mean so much more if things won’t last.

There’s no cure for a broken heart, only time heals it, but still leaves a scar you’ll always wear.

 

Drunk note

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I usually write when I’m drunk but I don’t share it, I let it rot in my laptop for ages but now I feel like I should write something.

Funny fact, I have no idea what to write but judging by the fact that no one reads this, fuck it, I’ll just drop it.

So tonight I went out, broke as I am I went with a friend and his lover and despite the odds, we actually had fun, I got drunk and I’ve started to live the music, as any other drunk fuck in there. It’s good, what I have to say is that London people really know how to party, they’re awesome, they’re taking over the dance ring with so much confidence, they’re rocking every song, EVERY.  I love this place, even if at first I came here to live my dream, that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun in the meanwhile.

It’s such a big change you know, from Romania where everyone was though and was looking for a brawl, here people, even if they’re 2m tall, they’re still friendly as fuck, they apologise, they greet you with a smile, this feels like a whole new world and I love it.

What else can I say about London people, they’re too awesome, there’s no words to describe that. The women in here are beautiful, the guys are…well, I’m not looking for guys so I’ll only say they’re friendly and that’s it. The city it self is full of life, there’s people on the street all the time, the centre of London is full of life, people having so much fun on the streets, it’s insane..it’s just …perfect, I feel like I belong here

Thank You London, for making my stay so enjoyable.

Sailor through time

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I have come to a point in life when I think of all the actions that got me here and I doubt my faith, am I good enough to pursue my career?Am I good enough to make my dream come true? How many others attempt to and fail miserably climbing this ladder? Lately I question every second I waste on stupid things like video games or facebook, all this time wasted on online that serves no purpose to my goal.

It felt like my graduation was yesterday, damn I still have dreams when I wake up and think ” Fuck, I’m late for school again, I may not pass”. And this was 2 years ago, when I graduated and since then, I did nothing productive, nothing to be proud of, nothing to brag about, nothing at all.

I still remember my mother’s face even though it’s been a year since I last time saw her, (she’s in Denmark now, healthy so don’t worry) but I still have her perfect image in my head.

So much time passed, so many persons in my life changed while.. I’m still the same, same fucked up person I was 10 years ago, same fucked up person I was 2 years ago, I’m the same loser.