madafakarovsky

Welcome to my personal blog, don't expect a good read, they're only the thoughts of a mad man.

Category: memories

Best year I had, thank you guys

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I’m going through …-something- , right now, I don’t know what it is, maybe is that mid life crisis I’ve heard so much of, or maybe is something else. I’ve spent my afternoon in my bed with no desire to wake up, I laughed and cried, remembering the year before I came to London, before I was on my own. I remembered, everything, my friends, my lovers, everything came clean. Back then I wasn’t happy with myself, I was recklessly spending my mother’s money on booze and smokes. I was drunk almost every day, I was in a pub, I can call it my pub becasue fuck it, 70% of the people from there knew me, it was perfect, no school, no responsability, nothing.

I would barely see the light, I would just go in the pub which was at a basement level, like, no windows there, no “natural light” and i would only get out of there to buy cigarettes. Nights spent lurking behind the blocks, nights spent at friends, fights with my father because he thought I was a worthless piece of crap; I still live in the past, I know but I can’t get rid of it, maybe for you my friends, it doesn’t mean too much, maybe your life is still like that but mine isn’t and without a doubt, that year, was the best of my life, some of you took advantage of me, like i give a flying fuck, we still had fun.

Preda, remember that time we thought of “killing outselves” ? taking pills and drinking until we can’t take it anymore, and then smoking shit? singing(you had your guitar with you), damn how awesome that time was. Dude, you were there like every god damn time, all the drinks I had were with you(most of them for sure)

Mieko, remember that time we took the bus, drunk to somewhere I can’t remember thinking it was fun but then realising we have to wave a car to return? haha ,was a fun short  road trip, or the endless nights spend gambling?, miss those, man.

Crina, remember all those times we were together but we barely spoke anything important? like somehow we were too shy to share what was really on our soul?

Robita, what can I say, you saw me drunk almost every time in that and not only, you saw me drunk more than anyone else, all the fucked up times we had at Dromi or when we took the taxi back home with the little bottle of jaggermeister because we just didn’t have enough, when we discovered jaggermeister, that was like the best thing in our life that’s our drink, now and forever.

Dromi/Alex, well, you knew me since I was a kid but last year, we had some times, the one that comes to me and I see it clear as day is when we were on skype, drunk and you were hitting the keyboard and spitting beer all over the place, gosh how much we laughed that time.

Ion, fun to mention, you were my best friend but you weren’t drinking or smoking shit with us, you didn’t go out with us but still, we went out for the chill coffee in Green and you’ve also lent me a place to stay when I didn’t want to go home.

Irina, I have no idea how you fell for me, I was drunk, like all the time, no idea what you’ve seen at me. Time spent with you was different, that week, I was open, I could talk to you, I needed that, you saved me back then, thank you.

Only when I think of it, of that year, more specific, that summer, was beautiful, my last summer of being reckless, thanks guys for making it unforgettable.

 

 

Girl of my dream

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It all started with this dream I had, I can’t remember much of it but it changed me. At that time I was going through depression, often break-downs which ended up in crying because I’ve felt I didn’t know what I’d do with my life. What I remember of the dream is vague but there’s one picture I cant forget, a snap of this dream that makes me smile uncontrollably .

It’s a picture of me and a brunette girl, after a run or something of that sort, holding arms, her palms, going up my arms onto my shoulders gripping as high as they could, my palms doing the same action as it was a mirror , both our heads leaned forward bend to our left gazing into each others eyes, my gaze slowly shifting to her fleshy lips; I can barely remember her face but I was amazed, everything seemed perfect, I woke up before the kiss happened, I’m not even sure there was any intend for that to happen but that picture will never leave my mind, it was something I’ve been craving for a long time and unlike any other dream I had, this one felt so real. I’ve spent my next day thinking of it, I had no regret or intend or dreaming it again, no pain of it ending too soon. It happened at the right time and I’m thankful for it, I haven’t been this chilled in a long time.

I remember reading once that all the faces we see in our dreams are people we meet in our path, friends or just people we pass on the street everyday. There’s plenty of faces I’ve seen in my life, but if I ever get to see her again, I’ll know.

First London writting

firsHeh, this is the first thing i wrote when I came to London, I remember the thoughts I had back then, that night ended up with me crying myself to sleep. The grammar mistakes are obvious, I was so nervous, I panicked that night I didn’t know what to do but I’m so glad I wrote this because now, months later I can look back to it and see great improvements.

My hope is back to it’s place and I’m more confident now, I’ve experienced some fucked up shit but, I know I have a future now and that my goal is worth pursuing as hard as it is. Digging up old stuff really puts me to peace and gives me hope for tomorrow.

I am now employed and I have plenty of drafts written in my computer that wait to be finished and published one day, so many ideas that patiently wait to be explored.

I know I can make it, just wait for me world.

Good boy

leo

While I was writing my previous post I mentioned my childhood companion, Leo and it brought tears to my eyes thinking about him. I think he desserves to be written about since he was such a big part of me.

Leo, he was the second dog i ever had, my grandfather brought him from a friend when he was still a puppy. His fur was golden and I remember his dumb face when he was brought in, he couldn’t realise what was happening to him, he was taken away from his family and brought to a new one. While he was a puppy, I would often play with him but it was until he grew up that he became my companion, compadre. He was like 30 cm tall, he wasn’t pure bread but that didn’t stop me from loving me, and shouldn’t stop anyone from loving an animal.

I was a kid, 10 years old and I would love to annoy him, I remember holding his front legs and kicking the others making him fall, even after doing it a couple of times he would still let me do it again and again. He bit me a couple of times and I would provoke him even more saying “C’mon, is that all you got? bite harder” and after I’d grab his tail, push him, bully him most likely just to get him nervous and bite me harder, my hands had so many bites and scracthes from him hehe, good times.

I remember siting on the bench with him, in front of my house and just watch him tail cars for 10m and then coming back, dissapointed he didn’t get them, how could he? They were speeding with 30mph.

I already mentioned the time me and him would chase butterflies in the lucerne, he used to have so much fun and after, his breath stinked like hell.

He was a tough dog, I remember him getting in one fight, his fur beeing covered in blood and some marks were left on his face. Even so, he didn’t want me to take care of him, he wouldn’t let me, not because he was hurt but because of his pride, he dind’t want me to think he was weak.

A friend of mine wanted to hit me with a stick and he jumped him and bit him on his belly, my friend bursted out in tears and Leo ran away afterwards, he was ashamed of his deed but he did his job, he protected me.

I used t throw him a stick, a stone or something far away so he would chase it and then run from him just so he would chase me with his full speed, damn he was fast, could get back to me in a couple of seconds.

I’ll skip a lot of our adventures and I’ll get to what I loved about him, whenever I felt sad, I had a bad grade or I’d get in a fight with my parents, I’d be in the gaden sometimes crying, he used to come to me and sit with me, like he was listening to my sorrow, lick my toes or fingers, he would do anything to bring some joy to me and most of the time he succeded.

The day he died, he was hit by a car, in the evening; I knew he was outside, he was barking at something but I figured out it was nothing important, I just stood there and talked with my friend when a hard hit was heard, I prayed it wasn’t him and rushed to the game and there I saw him, laying on the street in a pool of blood, I rushed to my grandpa and I gotta say, that was the first time I’ve seen my grandfather sad, Leo was his favourite as well, all the family loved him and even now, I can’t get that picture out of my head; The picture of my grandfather dragging him in the backyard, leaving a trace of blood behind him and slowly breathing, waiting for his time to come. I went in the backyard to him, the ground around him was red and I still remember him looking at me and heavily breathing, I just stood there doing nothing, I couldn’t do anything because there was no vet around for miles and his injury was too bad to be healed anyway; i couldn’t watch him for more than 2 minutes and I went back inside, next day he was gone, only the blood was left, my grandfather burried him in the garden, the only animal ever burried in that garden, he meant so much to all of us.

Days after the incident I kept having nightmares, like it was my fault, I could’ve brought him in but no, I thought it was fine and one moment later he was gone.

Whoever is reading this, please cherish your pet, he may not be everything to you but you’re his whole world and he loves you unconditionally.

RIP Leo, you were a good boy and I’ll always cherish your memory nad I’ll bring it to my grave when the time comes, you were a good boy, best I will ever have. Shame on me that I go no picture of you, I would frame it and forever keep it but no worries, your picture is clear in my head.

Throw-back

Well, tonight as I was smoking my last cigarette, outside in the windy weather, shaking like someone who has parkinson, old thoughts surface.

Heh, for some reason an image of me watching Naruto on tv, I didn’t have internet at that time, (I think it was somewhere around 2007 or 2008) and after every episode I would text my crush who would also watch it and talk bout how awesome that episode until we both fell asleep. I miss those times so bad, now I doubt kids do this, they just download whatever they’re watching and watch it in their spare time, time do change. Since I’ve started with animation, this reminds me of the time I would rush home from school to watch Yu-gi-oh or when I had to wake up in the weekends early in the morning to catch pokemon and Power Rangers, oh-oh and not to forget, I was a huge fan of Scooby Doo during my childhood, it was probably my favourite cartoon and I remember every morning, before going to school I would wake up one hour earlier to watch the very first episodes of the series, during the day there were the new one “what’s new scooby doo” and as a hardcore fan, I knew them all, I only missed the old ones which after some months of early waking I got to see. Damn, how bad I miss those times, it felt like my life had a purpose and I took it so seriously.

*I’ll make a bracket here and say that Scooby doo actually helped me through some scary times; after watching a scary movie or when I was afraid at night I wuld just start singing “what’s new scooby doo, we’re coming after you, gonna solve that mystery..” So yeah, as I said, hardcore Scooby fan ❤ *

Something odd, that I think no one else did as a kid and I’m damn sure no one does it now. Together with leo ( RIP, you’re not forgotten even now 1 decade later, you were a good boy) my companion I used to chase butterflies with a stick (yes a stick not a net or something) in the lucerne, we would run after them all day long and it was incredible fun.

Or that time when I would play spy with my friends on my grandpa and follow him around, amazing.

Or fighting with a stick alone, making up scenarios that would make me cry because my imagination was so complex even as a child.

Or, haha, when both my parents would leave home I would call in my friends and play hide and seek sometimes ruining the house.

Or ..

Or…

Damn, I could go on and on about this, I always thought I didn’t have a childhood because I was born in modest family and couldn’t afford a lot of things but thinking about it, I’m glad I didn’t, I didn’t need money for what i did, this are times I’m proud I’ve lived and they are a damn good “back when I was a kid.” kind of story.

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