madafakarovsky

Welcome to my personal blog, don't expect a good read, they're only the thoughts of a mad man.

Category: Love

Let’s talk love, shall we ? 


I’ve always been a so called hopeless romantic but that’s because “love” is the purest most beautiful feeling in the world.

Love makes the world go ’round.

If only we’d love more and empty ourselves of hatred we’d be happier. 

Whenever I write something there’s no secret that something happened in order to trigger my fingers to bleed on a keyboard something did happen indeed.

I’ve met an “Angel” after a long time of standing inside and not interacting with new people I finally found courage to spontaneously go out last night. Not gonna lie, 90% of the night was utter shit.

Started by me rushing to meet my friend, pulling a quick outfit in which I wasn’t too confident, that’s a thing about me, I care too much about how I look. I did my hair in few minutes and went away. All my rush was for nothing as my friend was running late and I had to wait him 30 minutes in the tube station . 

Moving on.

Our plans of getting drunk cheap on the street failed as soon as we realised all the shops stopped selling alcohol at 11pm; that meant the only place we could buy alcohol from was the club and we all know how expensive drinks are in clubs compared to your corner shop . 

We couldn’t get inside the club we wanted because my friend was wearing track pants so we got fetched by some dude on the street and brought to a different club which  was almost empty, I know it was middle of the week but there were only about 20 people inside from which only about 7-8 girls none to steal your gaze, they were just average. 

Nonetheless we started drinking.

And everything led up to this, you can even skip what’s written above, that’s just the introduction to  “her”

Her

She came late, just her and a guy which appeared to be her boyfriend or at least a closed friend, by the time they got there, people left, I think we were about 10 people left in there and she was rocking it, I was admiring her from distance, gracious, she was dressed in all black, blonde hair and as weird as it sounds for a guy to say this, perfect eyeliner as well, she had tatooes on both her hands, tattooes I didn’t managed to descypher but they were fitting her so well. After about half an hour of gazing her I head to buy another drink, her friend was next to me “you got sick moves bro” he yells to me and honestly I am the worse dancer so that compliment made me feel unreal. 

Anyway, fast forward to few minutes later, back on the dance floor, my friend went to the bathroom and this friend of her drags me making me dance with him and her. He then leans in and whispers to me that she likes me, I remember me stuttering and then him pushing me “don’t be a shy son of a bitch ” his push made me jump toward her and embracing her with both arms dancing along the music as it was all meant to happen that way . She was tander, suave, unreal, my mind was in chaos, the temptation of exploring her body with my hands and risking to make myself look like a douche was uncanny and I felt for it, I let go and went with the flow, I’ve let my hands do their assignment, gently they went on a walk, up and down making me gasp in excitement, my head was leaned on her shoulder from behind as she was grieving against me, I could see her smile whenever I was softly squizing her butt. When we departed from each other and we were walking back to each other she gives me a kiss on the neck, followed by a tiny suck and a smile. 

I thought that was it, so a few minutes later I went in for the kiss but she went away “i can’t, I’m sorry, I have a boyfriend” but here’s the thing, she didn’t say it trying to be mean or to show off or I don’t know, she said almost sad, she wanted but she couldn’t so I understood and pretended as it didn’t happen.

Oh, there’s also something I didn’t mention. Remember her friend ? Yeah…he was fat and while I was dancing with her, half the times he was dancing with us, he grabbed my “weapon” twice and as I was growing with her, he was grinding with me it was pretty awkward at times but my focus was on her, I didn’t want to be rude to him, I owed him a lot for pushing me from behind and gaining confidence but I still pushed him away sometimes because it was getting annoying.

 He told me he can’t kee his hands off me because I’m too hot, Well, man’s got a point to be honest . 

Anyway, after the club closed we stood outside for a cigarette and while my poorly English-speaking friend was arguing with the gay guy me and her were just spectators, enjoying the cigarettes.

The night ended up with a hug, a kiss on the cheek and the words “goodbye my love, we need to meet here another time” 

And that was it. 

She left a mark on me, although I barely knew anything about her I felt as she could’ve been the one.

I didn’t get any social media from her, not a number, no anything and that haunts me, spent hours trying to find her in social media but apparently many share her name and that’s all I knew about her.

Oh, her name was, Angel.

Women

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Do you remember her?

Don’t bullshit me,

You never forget a woman.

I remember mine

Each of them.

There’s something about each of them.

Each smell, each smile, each gaze in the eyes.

They are truly marvelous creatures, aren’t they?

Don’t tell me you only fucked them and that’s it.

We men love, unlike them.

We know where we’re sticking our dicks

And we love where we’re sticking our dicks.

-Madafakarovsky

Girl of my dream

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It all started with this dream I had, I can’t remember much of it but it changed me. At that time I was going through depression, often break-downs which ended up in crying because I’ve felt I didn’t know what I’d do with my life. What I remember of the dream is vague but there’s one picture I cant forget, a snap of this dream that makes me smile uncontrollably .

It’s a picture of me and a brunette girl, after a run or something of that sort, holding arms, her palms, going up my arms onto my shoulders gripping as high as they could, my palms doing the same action as it was a mirror , both our heads leaned forward bend to our left gazing into each others eyes, my gaze slowly shifting to her fleshy lips; I can barely remember her face but I was amazed, everything seemed perfect, I woke up before the kiss happened, I’m not even sure there was any intend for that to happen but that picture will never leave my mind, it was something I’ve been craving for a long time and unlike any other dream I had, this one felt so real. I’ve spent my next day thinking of it, I had no regret or intend or dreaming it again, no pain of it ending too soon. It happened at the right time and I’m thankful for it, I haven’t been this chilled in a long time.

I remember reading once that all the faces we see in our dreams are people we meet in our path, friends or just people we pass on the street everyday. There’s plenty of faces I’ve seen in my life, but if I ever get to see her again, I’ll know.

Happily ever after.

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There was a time when I believed in those words, blinded by dreams and illusions of a happy life. Now, I just believe it’s a big fat lie couples tell each other to make them feel more secure about the future of their relation.

How could you tell someone “we’ll live happily ever after”?, look them in the eye, don’t shift your gaze, just look straight and tell them you will love them forever without having any knowledge of the problems that may come your way, or the persons you’ll meet, promise them you won’t have second thoughts on your relationship and that if they get 50 pounds fatter, you’ll still love them. I, myself have said that lie twice in my life and I don’t intend to do it ever again, I want to focus on the present of my relationship and not get drunk with dreams.

Don’t lie, be as honest as you can be, just say ” I love you now, at this moment you’re my most valuable belonging” and I promise you, it would mean so much more if things won’t last.

There’s no cure for a broken heart, only time heals it, but still leaves a scar you’ll always wear.

 

Love me

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Love me for who I am,

Love me for my dreams, for my high aspirations

Don’t laugh at my goals, don’t tell me I’m great when I’m not

Be honest with me, truth may hurt sometimes

But it’s better than being lied with a straight face.

Don’t ask how my day was, ask me what did I achieve today.

Don’t wait for my text, text me first if needed.

Be yourself, let your demons out, let them darken the room

And we’ll brighten it with our laugh.

Watch cartoons with me and I’ll watch soap operas with you.

Be a lady on the street and a bitch in the sheet.

Be whatever the fuck you want around me,

Be my Aphrodite and I’ll be your Ares.

Good boy

leo

While I was writing my previous post I mentioned my childhood companion, Leo and it brought tears to my eyes thinking about him. I think he desserves to be written about since he was such a big part of me.

Leo, he was the second dog i ever had, my grandfather brought him from a friend when he was still a puppy. His fur was golden and I remember his dumb face when he was brought in, he couldn’t realise what was happening to him, he was taken away from his family and brought to a new one. While he was a puppy, I would often play with him but it was until he grew up that he became my companion, compadre. He was like 30 cm tall, he wasn’t pure bread but that didn’t stop me from loving me, and shouldn’t stop anyone from loving an animal.

I was a kid, 10 years old and I would love to annoy him, I remember holding his front legs and kicking the others making him fall, even after doing it a couple of times he would still let me do it again and again. He bit me a couple of times and I would provoke him even more saying “C’mon, is that all you got? bite harder” and after I’d grab his tail, push him, bully him most likely just to get him nervous and bite me harder, my hands had so many bites and scracthes from him hehe, good times.

I remember siting on the bench with him, in front of my house and just watch him tail cars for 10m and then coming back, dissapointed he didn’t get them, how could he? They were speeding with 30mph.

I already mentioned the time me and him would chase butterflies in the lucerne, he used to have so much fun and after, his breath stinked like hell.

He was a tough dog, I remember him getting in one fight, his fur beeing covered in blood and some marks were left on his face. Even so, he didn’t want me to take care of him, he wouldn’t let me, not because he was hurt but because of his pride, he dind’t want me to think he was weak.

A friend of mine wanted to hit me with a stick and he jumped him and bit him on his belly, my friend bursted out in tears and Leo ran away afterwards, he was ashamed of his deed but he did his job, he protected me.

I used t throw him a stick, a stone or something far away so he would chase it and then run from him just so he would chase me with his full speed, damn he was fast, could get back to me in a couple of seconds.

I’ll skip a lot of our adventures and I’ll get to what I loved about him, whenever I felt sad, I had a bad grade or I’d get in a fight with my parents, I’d be in the gaden sometimes crying, he used to come to me and sit with me, like he was listening to my sorrow, lick my toes or fingers, he would do anything to bring some joy to me and most of the time he succeded.

The day he died, he was hit by a car, in the evening; I knew he was outside, he was barking at something but I figured out it was nothing important, I just stood there and talked with my friend when a hard hit was heard, I prayed it wasn’t him and rushed to the game and there I saw him, laying on the street in a pool of blood, I rushed to my grandpa and I gotta say, that was the first time I’ve seen my grandfather sad, Leo was his favourite as well, all the family loved him and even now, I can’t get that picture out of my head; The picture of my grandfather dragging him in the backyard, leaving a trace of blood behind him and slowly breathing, waiting for his time to come. I went in the backyard to him, the ground around him was red and I still remember him looking at me and heavily breathing, I just stood there doing nothing, I couldn’t do anything because there was no vet around for miles and his injury was too bad to be healed anyway; i couldn’t watch him for more than 2 minutes and I went back inside, next day he was gone, only the blood was left, my grandfather burried him in the garden, the only animal ever burried in that garden, he meant so much to all of us.

Days after the incident I kept having nightmares, like it was my fault, I could’ve brought him in but no, I thought it was fine and one moment later he was gone.

Whoever is reading this, please cherish your pet, he may not be everything to you but you’re his whole world and he loves you unconditionally.

RIP Leo, you were a good boy and I’ll always cherish your memory nad I’ll bring it to my grave when the time comes, you were a good boy, best I will ever have. Shame on me that I go no picture of you, I would frame it and forever keep it but no worries, your picture is clear in my head.

Letter to you, a loved one.

craaaaaaaaw

What a shame there is, for two people to be thorn apart at the moment they love each other more than anyone could imagine. I didn’t lie, everything i write is about you, all these scenarios I make about the day I’ll get to see you again.. truth to be told, I’m actually afraid of that day, my feelings didn’t change but after all I’ve done to you, how can I even expect for your feelings to stay the same?

I was a puzzle to you, you got me together but before you glued in the last piece, I scattered on my own, I wanted you to complete me but at the same time I was afraid to belong to be completed, what a paradox. I come from a background of loveless, no parental love, no friends love, no lover’s love, I didn’t feel love in any of it’s form, I’ve always been incomplete but honestly, how could someone complete me when the last piece of the puzzle was forever in your soft and warm palm?

I can’t justify my actions, I’m so used to being alone that my mind just repels every person that ever attempted to get close to me. This hole I’m endlessly falling through better have a bottom as I’m sick of free-falling through different shades of darkness.An addiction to sadness, yes, that’s how I think I’d call my sickness, can’t find any other excuse else why would I push away a life-long happiness?

Now we have to play these games of come and go, late at night, if not me, you, we both have leaks and confess our feelings to each other but our vanity always gets in our way, what a bitch it is. It felt like you really knew me, now if we’d meet, I’m sure you’d see right through me because I know you, you’re strong and would want to act rough but I wonder if you could really do that while you look me straight in the eye; Would you? or would you just hold me in your arms and cry on my shoulder telling me how much you’ve missed me? One thing is certain, we’d fall in love again from the first second we felt each others scent.

Wish I had the guts to show you the above letter to you but if I did, maybe you’d pity me and I hate making others feel sorry for me. One day I will, that’s a promise; Now that i’ve mentioned “a promise” I thought of the ones we made, promises we believed in with our whole heart, i didn’t forget them, they still haunt me at night as nightmares reminding me of how big of a coward I was.

I was about to say ” after all we had..” but how can I say that about a relationship that lasted one week?One week and we dared to even think of mariage, we strongly believed we were soul mates and for one second, that thought rushed through my mind to propose to you and make one memory I’d always remember.

How foolish of me, writing these drunk words when I feast with darkness between four empty walls reminding myself of the mistakes of my past, pathetic.