Letter to you, a loved one.

craaaaaaaaw

What a shame there is, for two people to be thorn apart at the moment they love each other more than anyone could imagine. I didn’t lie, everything i write is about you, all these scenarios I make about the day I’ll get to see you again.. truth to be told, I’m actually afraid of that day, my feelings didn’t change but after all I’ve done to you, how can I even expect for your feelings to stay the same?

I was a puzzle to you, you got me together but before you glued in the last piece, I scattered on my own, I wanted you to complete me but at the same time I was afraid to belong to be completed, what a paradox. I come from a background of loveless, no parental love, no friends love, no lover’s love, I didn’t feel love in any of it’s form, I’ve always been incomplete but honestly, how could someone complete me when the last piece of the puzzle was forever in your soft and warm palm?

I can’t justify my actions, I’m so used to being alone that my mind just repels every person that ever attempted to get close to me. This hole I’m endlessly falling through better have a bottom as I’m sick of free-falling through different shades of darkness.An addiction to sadness, yes, that’s how I think I’d call my sickness, can’t find any other excuse else why would I push away a life-long happiness?

Now we have to play these games of come and go, late at night, if not me, you, we both have leaks and confess our feelings to each other but our vanity always gets in our way, what a bitch it is. It felt like you really knew me, now if we’d meet, I’m sure you’d see right through me because I know you, you’re strong and would want to act rough but I wonder if you could really do that while you look me straight in the eye; Would you? or would you just hold me in your arms and cry on my shoulder telling me how much you’ve missed me? One thing is certain, we’d fall in love again from the first second we felt each others scent.

Wish I had the guts to show you the above letter to you but if I did, maybe you’d pity me and I hate making others feel sorry for me. One day I will, that’s a promise; Now that i’ve mentioned “a promise” I thought of the ones we made, promises we believed in with our whole heart, i didn’t forget them, they still haunt me at night as nightmares reminding me of how big of a coward I was.

I was about to say ” after all we had..” but how can I say that about a relationship that lasted one week?One week and we dared to even think of mariage, we strongly believed we were soul mates and for one second, that thought rushed through my mind to propose to you and make one memory I’d always remember.

How foolish of me, writing these drunk words when I feast with darkness between four empty walls reminding myself of the mistakes of my past, pathetic.