madafakarovsky

Welcome to my personal blog, don't expect a good read, they're only the thoughts of a mad man.

Alone with everybody

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“Alone with everybody” a quote that’s been stuck in my head for years now, ever since I discovered Bukowski. I never understood it until now; it all makes sense now. As someone who suffers from depression the quote appealed to me but little did I know it had a deeper meaning. 

I’ll continue with another quote by him “you get so alone at times that it just makes sense ” which is actually the title of one of his poem books.

I am in fact alone, lonelier than I have ever been and I never thought it could ever get to this point.No family, no friends, no emotions, everything is blank. I even stopped dreaming for some reason, I’m living in a loop, everything is on repeat. The people I meet are soulless, nothing interesting about them, I miss my people, those with dreams and hopes. I haven’t met a single interesting individual since I moved to London. I met plenty of people and for some reason many like or liked me, I’m an easy going person and I blend in pretty easy, I like to give people what they want, I fake my way with them, I get into their game, I ask stupid silly questions, sometimes I even compliment them for stupid stuff or even seem intrigued by their “amazing” stories which are either lies or boring.

I am surrounded by nothingness so I became nothing.

 

Kill your Darlings

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“kill your darlings” is the first and most important step in order for one to bloom. We too often are dragged down by our regrets and by our past, we refuse to move forward as the past haunts our judgement. We keep procrastinating, we say “tomorrow’s gonna be the day ” but tomorrow never comes.

 

 

Unfortunately my logic has no proof, I haven’t seen anyone brave enough to overcome his past, I’ve only seen those that want to; what a shame, for one to be so close to happiness but to be scared by it.

 

Society is the biggest virus, it indoctrinates our brain, it controls us; it lies us that we can’t do something because of the position we have. 

 

“we can’t have that because of that” 

 

I’ll cut this short.

 

Dear reader, even if you heard this countless times, don’t let others dictate your future, don’t let others put a label on you and if they do, just rip it off or wear it with it pride, don’t care too much about it, life is too short to take everything to heart. I remember reading a quote “By being yourself, you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before” unfortunately I can’t remember who quoted that but I think it rests just fine on the bottom of this page.

 

 

Late night thoughts

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Do you ever sit pondering and you’re sad, but you don’t think of anything? your mind is floating into outer space yet you catch yourself at some point asking yourself “what am I sad about?” and then the thoughts rush in, your brain comes up with reasons, they spawn out of your insecurities; you soon remember the time you were a little kid, you didn’t know what love was, you didn’t care if you had money, your only worry was how fast you could eat to catch up with your friends after school.

Don’t you miss it, the age when you were just.. living and not surviving? Because I do, lately I’ve felt like I live to work instead of working to live. The world became this chaotic hazardous hate-driven pile of shit, as a 20 years old creature, I have witnessed more than I should already, I have seen the downgrade of the world, I have seen the evolution of the global financial system, I’ve seen how it slowly corrupted pure souls, how it spawned wars, how powerful people were driven into the ground by it, how it hypnotized the younger generation into believing money can buy everything and it’s sad because we only have few values left and it scares the shit out of me they will probably become purchasable in the next couple of years.

Women

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Do you remember her?

Don’t bullshit me,

You never forget a woman.

I remember mine

Each of them.

There’s something about each of them.

Each smell, each smile, each gaze in the eyes.

They are truly marvelous creatures, aren’t they?

Don’t tell me you only fucked them and that’s it.

We men love, unlike them.

We know where we’re sticking our dicks

And we love where we’re sticking our dicks.

-Madafakarovsky

Best year I had, thank you guys

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I’m going through …-something- , right now, I don’t know what it is, maybe is that mid life crisis I’ve heard so much of, or maybe is something else. I’ve spent my afternoon in my bed with no desire to wake up, I laughed and cried, remembering the year before I came to London, before I was on my own. I remembered, everything, my friends, my lovers, everything came clean. Back then I wasn’t happy with myself, I was recklessly spending my mother’s money on booze and smokes. I was drunk almost every day, I was in a pub, I can call it my pub becasue fuck it, 70% of the people from there knew me, it was perfect, no school, no responsability, nothing.

I would barely see the light, I would just go in the pub which was at a basement level, like, no windows there, no “natural light” and i would only get out of there to buy cigarettes. Nights spent lurking behind the blocks, nights spent at friends, fights with my father because he thought I was a worthless piece of crap; I still live in the past, I know but I can’t get rid of it, maybe for you my friends, it doesn’t mean too much, maybe your life is still like that but mine isn’t and without a doubt, that year, was the best of my life, some of you took advantage of me, like i give a flying fuck, we still had fun.

Preda, remember that time we thought of “killing outselves” ? taking pills and drinking until we can’t take it anymore, and then smoking shit? singing(you had your guitar with you), damn how awesome that time was. Dude, you were there like every god damn time, all the drinks I had were with you(most of them for sure)

Mieko, remember that time we took the bus, drunk to somewhere I can’t remember thinking it was fun but then realising we have to wave a car to return? haha ,was a fun short  road trip, or the endless nights spend gambling?, miss those, man.

Crina, remember all those times we were together but we barely spoke anything important? like somehow we were too shy to share what was really on our soul?

Robita, what can I say, you saw me drunk almost every time in that and not only, you saw me drunk more than anyone else, all the fucked up times we had at Dromi or when we took the taxi back home with the little bottle of jaggermeister because we just didn’t have enough, when we discovered jaggermeister, that was like the best thing in our life that’s our drink, now and forever.

Dromi/Alex, well, you knew me since I was a kid but last year, we had some times, the one that comes to me and I see it clear as day is when we were on skype, drunk and you were hitting the keyboard and spitting beer all over the place, gosh how much we laughed that time.

Ion, fun to mention, you were my best friend but you weren’t drinking or smoking shit with us, you didn’t go out with us but still, we went out for the chill coffee in Green and you’ve also lent me a place to stay when I didn’t want to go home.

Irina, I have no idea how you fell for me, I was drunk, like all the time, no idea what you’ve seen at me. Time spent with you was different, that week, I was open, I could talk to you, I needed that, you saved me back then, thank you.

Only when I think of it, of that year, more specific, that summer, was beautiful, my last summer of being reckless, thanks guys for making it unforgettable.

 

 

Girl of my dream

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It all started with this dream I had, I can’t remember much of it but it changed me. At that time I was going through depression, often break-downs which ended up in crying because I’ve felt I didn’t know what I’d do with my life. What I remember of the dream is vague but there’s one picture I cant forget, a snap of this dream that makes me smile uncontrollably .

It’s a picture of me and a brunette girl, after a run or something of that sort, holding arms, her palms, going up my arms onto my shoulders gripping as high as they could, my palms doing the same action as it was a mirror , both our heads leaned forward bend to our left gazing into each others eyes, my gaze slowly shifting to her fleshy lips; I can barely remember her face but I was amazed, everything seemed perfect, I woke up before the kiss happened, I’m not even sure there was any intend for that to happen but that picture will never leave my mind, it was something I’ve been craving for a long time and unlike any other dream I had, this one felt so real. I’ve spent my next day thinking of it, I had no regret or intend or dreaming it again, no pain of it ending too soon. It happened at the right time and I’m thankful for it, I haven’t been this chilled in a long time.

I remember reading once that all the faces we see in our dreams are people we meet in our path, friends or just people we pass on the street everyday. There’s plenty of faces I’ve seen in my life, but if I ever get to see her again, I’ll know.

Done feeling pity for myself

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This is more of a note to myself, off my chest, I always feel better when I lay down my thoughts.

I’m done feeling pity for myself, I just grew tired of it. My life is going downwards but I do nothing to change it; I am overwhelmed by my shit, thinking there’s no way out, not even thinking it through but not anymore. It’s true, patience is not one of my virtues but rushing things won’t get me anywhere, leaving things to solve by themselves won’t help either. Guess I just have to pull myself together, I’m stronger than this.

Thoughts surface

I started writing this with the intend to let it out, I’m in a phase of my life when everything is going downhill and I can’t help myself but question if I did the right choice coming here, leaving everything behind; was I brave? or just stupid. I’ve wasted 7 months on nothing, only building up deabts and these are 7 months I can’t take back, away from everyone I love, I came with a purpose, to look for “my great perhaps” but all I do is waste pretious time on things that have no soul. I’m fucked up, young and fucked up with no clue of what future holds. How many times can I tell myself it’sgonna be alright, just keep going, I managed to get over a 2 months depression and now that things seemed to get better, I feel like a hand is pulling me back to that shithole.
I wanna keep on going but having so much anger and so much mixted thoughts, it just seems impossible right now to lay them down, I can’t think straight, I’m poisoned with guilt and regret, it’s a new feeling I wasn’t expecting to surface this soon. Loneliness drives me insane, stupid people makes me mad and lack of activities make me useless, this is the life I’m living now, a pointless one;
but I hope
I still do,
That redemption will come
Sooner
Or
later
I gotta find
my saviour
my “it’s all gonna be fine”
I know it’s there
somewhere
waiting for me to reach it
And until then
I can only drag my pieces
till’ she will glue them together
And only then
I’ll be fine
Cause love
yes, love
It is the only antitode
for a broken soul.

 

Waiting for my trial shift

So, as I’m waiting for my trial I felt like I should write something. I woke up prett early, trying to make a good impression and not be late but guess what, I’m one hour earlier so fuck me.

Well, this is another job I despite, waiter.. Again and again, feels like this is the only job suitable for me and God help me, hopefully with this job I’ll get out of this debt I’m in and finally start buying shit for myself because I really need is. I need cool clothes, I need Bukowski’d books and more than anything, I need to go out, meet people, have fun.

Fuck, how did I end up here.

My shit’s fucked up.

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I keep telling everyone around me that everything’s going to be fine, that all problems will soon come to an en and that after every rain, there comes the rainbow, you just got to be patient but at night, I’m the one who breaks down crying.

Compared to my problems, theirs seem like child’s play, my life is a never-ending messy shit on loop. Sometimes, I force myself to believe the words I’m telling others but no matter how much I try, I can’t see the sunlight and the skies instead of scatter, hey just get more dense. My rainbow could be somewhere far far away, patiently waiting to shine before my eyesight but what if it appears to late? What good will it make if I only get my line straight when I’m old and my life passes, leaving me with only regrets.

There’s too many problems I’ve avoided, well, I think procrastinate is the word more suitable for this, I’ve procrastinated my problems for too long and now they bang on the door, sooner or later, ready to knock off the hinge.

Every night I fight my demons, lately they don’t even let me sleep, these assholes like to bring back memories of my past and keep me awake.Demons I thought I’ve drown long time ago, they come back to me disguised as memories.

Funny how you forget things you don’t want to but remember what you don’t.

My soul is shattered

My confidence is fading

And my bottle of hope is emptying refilling others.

I’m a mess.